I got up and spoke: "I went to a train station today and learned that the distance between railway tracks is always 143.5 centimeters, or 4 feet 8 1/2 inches. Why this absurd measurement? This is what I discovered. When they built the first train carriages, they used the same tools as they had for building horse-drawn carriages. And why that distance between the wheels on carriages? Because that was the width of the old roads along which the carriages had to travel. And who decided that roads should be that width? Well, suddenly, we are plunged back into the distant past. It was the Romans, the first great road builders, who decided to make their roads that width. And why? Because their war chariots were pulled by two horses, and when placed side by side, the horses they used at the time took up 143.5 centimeters.
"So the distance between the tracks I saw today, used by our state-of-the-art high-speed trains, was determined by the Romans. When people went to the United States, it didn't occur to them to change the width, and so it stayed as it was. This even affected the building of space shuttles. American engineers thought the fuel tanks should be wider, but the tanks were built in Utah and had to be transported by train to the Space Center in Florida, and the tunnels couldn't take anything wider. And so they had to accept for something as advanced as a Moon landing the measurement that Romans had decided was the ideal. But what has all this to do with relationships?"
I paused.
"It has everything to do with that and with love and with friendship. At some point in our lives, someone told us the rules, how you must always stay frozen like that, moving along side by side like two tracks, keeping always that same distance apart. Even if sometimes one of you needs to be a little further away or a little closer, that is against the rules. The rules say: you can't change, you must be like two railway tracks that remain the same distance apart all the way from their point of departure to their destination. The rules don't allow for love to change, or to grow, or for friendships to turn into love. Somewhere in between being functional became more important, maintaining the same distance, the same solidarity, the same functional nature. Everyone will be happy if you keep equal distance - 143.5 centimeters.
"Never forget, these rules were established long ago and must be respected, however absurd they are. Who established these rules? That doesn't matter. Don't question them, because they will always apply, even if you don't agree with them, even if they are illogical", I finished sarcastically.
That's how love got lost. When we started laying down rules for when love should or shouldn't appear...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The more you change, the less you feel
Yes, yes, I know it seems as though I can’t get enough of the Smashing Pumpkins this year. But tonight, tonight has been speaking volumes to me over the past few months.
This particular line, the title of my post, more than the one I love to trip on (believe in the resolute urgency of now) really rips at my gut. In the middle of a song about living in the moment, they drop this excruciating, hard to accept brick at you – the more you change, the less you feel. And you can’t help but realize how true it is.
This post has been on my mind for a while but I just can’t seem to find the right words to say it with. I’ve had many conversations with friends over the past few weeks about it too. All about the fact that we’re unable to feel like we used to. That inability to feel those intense emotions we used to feel when we were younger. The rush to go to school to see her, the endless wait for the bus ferrying her, the feel to see her smile, the thrill of chase her bus and even the pain of loss all seem mellowed down versions of what they used to be. But the biggest grouse is if I am actually able to love again. Or hurt intensely again as a result of that love turning sour. Am I only meant to have that one great love in my life? Isn’t it possible to love again? To feel those things that made me realize that I am alive? It’s saddening to grow up if this is what growing up turns you into. Or is it simply a mind block? Or is it that the person I will be able to feel those things about hasn’t quite come around yet? If I remember, for past 8 years we have not met. Spoke few times…but everyday her feelings are hunting me down.
A friend was telling me that he ended a relationship that was near perfection to him because he realized that he really wasn’t feeling it. That amazing gut-wrenching feeling that he felt with the last person he was in love with simply wasn’t there. And I couldn’t help but nod in agreement. The more we change and the more we grow up, the less we are able to feel. Our minds tend to overpower our hearts instead of it being the other way around, the way it used to be. Another friend told me that when he broke up with a girlfriend years ago he was shattered but when he recently broke up with his last girlfriend, things felt so very different. Yes, he missed the loss of the familiarity of having her around, but he said it was all very adult and he didn’t feel like his world was ripped apart.
With me, I doubt it has anything to do with inner strength or anything like it. I just feel that as I grow stronger as a person, my heart grows weaker. At the soul, the core of my being was someone who used to get a rush out of things and all I feel now are mediocre emotions. I listen to love songs, watch soppy movies, wait endlessly for Moon pics all to no avail because they just make me long for what I have lost even more so. Every nerve ending used to be charged with emotions. Not to say I was emo or anything like that, but my heart used to be my strongest asset. I used to feel for people, for causes, for everything. And now all I have is a consciously forced push in that direction because heading in the opposite one will surely be the death of me. I can’t be cold. That for sure, is not in me to be. But lukewarm is a far more saddening state of being, don’t you think?
As oxymoronish (I coined a word!) as it may sound, it is really heart breaking that my heart may not break again. No I don’t want to do that. Is she Listening??
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Who has better sex?
Had an interesting discussion yesterday on prostitution and I realized the world is full of varied opinions on the topic.
Its ok when you’re horny and you have no other choice.
Its easier than the baggage of a relationship.
I have to spend too much time working at a real woman to get her into bed.
I’ll never pay for sex, that just takes the magic out of it.
I prefer to be with a woman who wants to be with me for the sheer pleasure of it.
I can’t sleep with a prostitute, it’ll be too mechanical and I won’t enjoy it as much.
I sleep with prostitutes but I’ll admit that when its someone I feel something for, its loads better.
I actually have fun with prostitutes, its not what everyone thinks, when its a pro, she knows how to make you enjoy yourself.
She pretends that she likes me and its almost playful.
Prostitutes are disgusting, why would anyone want to have sex with someone who’s had half the city inside her?
I’m in a serious relationship, but I still get off doing it with a whore occasionally
Its too much of a thrill getting it on with a woman who you’re really into to want to pay for something that’s fake
I’ve never paid for sex so I can’t afford to really have an opinion. I don’t like smokers and drinkers giving me their opinion on things. But since it is my blog, I guess I can get to have my say here right?
I agree with some of the statements above. Its far better than emotional complications sometimes. You can enjoy it if you want to. But I also agree that the best sex happens when there’s a connection between the 2 people.
I also think that those people (women especially) who look down on prostitutes should stop and try to understand them once in a while. Someone said, no matter how desperate I am I’ll never stoop to that level. Why is prostitution a “level” below what you do? Everyone works hard at their jobs, and I would assume that even a prostitute wouldn’t make much money if she wasn’t good at what she does. I’m good at my job. She’s good at hers. This whole social stigma about the difference between a “respectable” job and prostitution sucks. Look at countries like Thailand who have proper red light districts. Its a professional business for them. Bringing in millions every year. No one who goes to that country can come back saying they didn’t get some kind of sexual kick out of it. If we had a proper system like that here, we’d have better quality prostitutes, well groomed and clean. This country wouldn’t be in dire straits financially either.India as a country is far more beautiful than Thailand any day. So add a few more thrills to it and I honestly think we can surpass them. We’d go back to the 60’s style of make love and not war. Don’t you think people would be far too busy getting in on to get off on this war anymore?
Another thing, its the common assumption that prostitution is something one resorts to when they run out of any possible other options to make money. It maybe true to a great extent in this country, and if it is the case, I wonder why no one bothers to understand them. But I also think that there are times it is done out of choice. A career decision of sorts. Hardly ever here, but most certainly it is the case in other parts of the world. Its something you use your body to do, like a construction worker or a dancer. Some jobs are physical and others are intellectual. Isn’t that just the way it goes?
I know I may have shocked some people and ruffled some feathers with my loose and moral free opinion here. But I think there are bigger sins in the world that prostitution. Its one of the oldest trades in the world after all. It couldn’t have survived millenia if there wasn’t a need for it. Its my opinion. Its my blog. So there.
Back to my original point though. Sex is meant to be had. But a connection between the two (or many) people who have it makes it much more than just having it. Its just out of this world. Even a five minute fuck in a corridor is nicer when you look into that person’s eyes and know the effect you have on them and vice versa.
Sex for me goes beyond the physical and its always better to be had that way.
Its ok when you’re horny and you have no other choice.
Its easier than the baggage of a relationship.
I have to spend too much time working at a real woman to get her into bed.
I’ll never pay for sex, that just takes the magic out of it.
I prefer to be with a woman who wants to be with me for the sheer pleasure of it.
I can’t sleep with a prostitute, it’ll be too mechanical and I won’t enjoy it as much.
I sleep with prostitutes but I’ll admit that when its someone I feel something for, its loads better.
I actually have fun with prostitutes, its not what everyone thinks, when its a pro, she knows how to make you enjoy yourself.
She pretends that she likes me and its almost playful.
Prostitutes are disgusting, why would anyone want to have sex with someone who’s had half the city inside her?
I’m in a serious relationship, but I still get off doing it with a whore occasionally
Its too much of a thrill getting it on with a woman who you’re really into to want to pay for something that’s fake
I’ve never paid for sex so I can’t afford to really have an opinion. I don’t like smokers and drinkers giving me their opinion on things. But since it is my blog, I guess I can get to have my say here right?
I agree with some of the statements above. Its far better than emotional complications sometimes. You can enjoy it if you want to. But I also agree that the best sex happens when there’s a connection between the 2 people.
I also think that those people (women especially) who look down on prostitutes should stop and try to understand them once in a while. Someone said, no matter how desperate I am I’ll never stoop to that level. Why is prostitution a “level” below what you do? Everyone works hard at their jobs, and I would assume that even a prostitute wouldn’t make much money if she wasn’t good at what she does. I’m good at my job. She’s good at hers. This whole social stigma about the difference between a “respectable” job and prostitution sucks. Look at countries like Thailand who have proper red light districts. Its a professional business for them. Bringing in millions every year. No one who goes to that country can come back saying they didn’t get some kind of sexual kick out of it. If we had a proper system like that here, we’d have better quality prostitutes, well groomed and clean. This country wouldn’t be in dire straits financially either.India as a country is far more beautiful than Thailand any day. So add a few more thrills to it and I honestly think we can surpass them. We’d go back to the 60’s style of make love and not war. Don’t you think people would be far too busy getting in on to get off on this war anymore?
Another thing, its the common assumption that prostitution is something one resorts to when they run out of any possible other options to make money. It maybe true to a great extent in this country, and if it is the case, I wonder why no one bothers to understand them. But I also think that there are times it is done out of choice. A career decision of sorts. Hardly ever here, but most certainly it is the case in other parts of the world. Its something you use your body to do, like a construction worker or a dancer. Some jobs are physical and others are intellectual. Isn’t that just the way it goes?
I know I may have shocked some people and ruffled some feathers with my loose and moral free opinion here. But I think there are bigger sins in the world that prostitution. Its one of the oldest trades in the world after all. It couldn’t have survived millenia if there wasn’t a need for it. Its my opinion. Its my blog. So there.
Back to my original point though. Sex is meant to be had. But a connection between the two (or many) people who have it makes it much more than just having it. Its just out of this world. Even a five minute fuck in a corridor is nicer when you look into that person’s eyes and know the effect you have on them and vice versa.
Sex for me goes beyond the physical and its always better to be had that way.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Mashaallah (P.S. Title ka post se koi link nahin hai.)
Have you ever had one of those mornings where you get up and things suddenly feel fine? I mean you open your eyes, take a deep breath and sigh. You got the just the right amount of sleep. Not too little that makes you want to stay in bed just a little longer and not too much that always leaves a dull headache behind. Issues that had been gnawing at your soul (I have always wanted to use that phrase :) ) vanish. You can’t remember why the hell you were upset. I am such a kid. You chuckle to yourself.
You open your eyes and look around and spy your cell phone peeping from below the pillow. You check it and there it is- a missed call. To show that someone missed you while you were busy zzing away. You see the caller’s name and smile. The first item of the ‘To Do List for the Day’ is ready - 1. Return the call. Then you see your laptop and wonder if there is time to check your mail. You decide against it. Personal mails are best checked during office hours. You wonder still in bed what is it that you have to accomplish today. Any deadlines, any pressing issues? And your mind tells you –chill. Kuch nahin hai. The world is going to run just fine today without your help. You smile.
It’s a perfect day. You get up and open the windows. The cool breeze hits your face. Baarish ke chances hain. You smile. Birds are chirping at your window. You feel kind and benevolent towards the whole world. Even your corridors neighbors are absconding since yesterday. You had decided earlier that this time you are going to have fun in Kitchen. Such arguments vanish as you usher in the Kitchen. One of the corridors neighbors is back in kitchen. You smile and she smiles back. And you swimming in the tide of human kindness ask her to make tea for two and help herself to the left over Garlic bread. But it is okay.
You read the newspaper i.e. the entertainment section. A nice picture of Katrina greets you. Se is looking Snappy in the black dress. One of the most gorgeous women in Bollywood now. You debate the merits of physique and face of some top Bolly stars and realize that Katrina claim to being one of the best is possibly true. You read about the lives of Kylie, Ashton, Aniston and MJ. Satisfied that all your friends are doing fine (as per The Hindu anyway and excluding MJ ofcourse ((may God bless his soul)) ) you log off from e-paper. Masala tea is just right. It is an omen really. This has to be a perfect day.
You get ready for lab. There is a tune in your head that doesn’t make much sense. Dum dum dum da da da dum dee da dum dum or was it da da dum dee da dadum de da da or something like that. Nice tune. I could have been a musician. You realize. But oh well that ship has sailed. You see the time: 9.30am. Can I make it to 10 o' clock meeting??. Excellent attendance record. You smile. Pick the keys up, pack your tiffin and lock your door. In the elevator you tell yourself that you must blog about this perfect morning. And you do.
Have a good day people!
You open your eyes and look around and spy your cell phone peeping from below the pillow. You check it and there it is- a missed call. To show that someone missed you while you were busy zzing away. You see the caller’s name and smile. The first item of the ‘To Do List for the Day’ is ready - 1. Return the call. Then you see your laptop and wonder if there is time to check your mail. You decide against it. Personal mails are best checked during office hours. You wonder still in bed what is it that you have to accomplish today. Any deadlines, any pressing issues? And your mind tells you –chill. Kuch nahin hai. The world is going to run just fine today without your help. You smile.
It’s a perfect day. You get up and open the windows. The cool breeze hits your face. Baarish ke chances hain. You smile. Birds are chirping at your window. You feel kind and benevolent towards the whole world. Even your corridors neighbors are absconding since yesterday. You had decided earlier that this time you are going to have fun in Kitchen. Such arguments vanish as you usher in the Kitchen. One of the corridors neighbors is back in kitchen. You smile and she smiles back. And you swimming in the tide of human kindness ask her to make tea for two and help herself to the left over Garlic bread. But it is okay.
You read the newspaper i.e. the entertainment section. A nice picture of Katrina greets you. Se is looking Snappy in the black dress. One of the most gorgeous women in Bollywood now. You debate the merits of physique and face of some top Bolly stars and realize that Katrina claim to being one of the best is possibly true. You read about the lives of Kylie, Ashton, Aniston and MJ. Satisfied that all your friends are doing fine (as per The Hindu anyway and excluding MJ ofcourse ((may God bless his soul)) ) you log off from e-paper. Masala tea is just right. It is an omen really. This has to be a perfect day.
You get ready for lab. There is a tune in your head that doesn’t make much sense. Dum dum dum da da da dum dee da dum dum or was it da da dum dee da dadum de da da or something like that. Nice tune. I could have been a musician. You realize. But oh well that ship has sailed. You see the time: 9.30am. Can I make it to 10 o' clock meeting??. Excellent attendance record. You smile. Pick the keys up, pack your tiffin and lock your door. In the elevator you tell yourself that you must blog about this perfect morning. And you do.
Have a good day people!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A late reply
I am a troubled soul. You possibly can't tell that looking at me- all chirpy and vivacious every time we run into each other but deep down inside today I am a troubled soul. My soul, dear friends, is troubled.
Before you start wondering what is wrong and go through the entire drill of - "Is he okay? Do I call and check? How much does an STD cell to Sweden cost? Maybe an sms is the right thing to do. No wait sms is Rs. 6 per international sms. Maybe I will just ping him next time I see him on Gtalk?" - I will just tell you what the matter is. Succinctly.
A friend of mine accused me yesterday of being a Congressi and a hypocrite. ‘You all are such HYPOcrites!’, he said. He stressed on the ‘hypo’ part for a little longer than necessary. Among the heated words exchanged which are now acknowledged as ‘deeply regretted’ were sprinklings of accusations that I have heard quite often –that I am apathetic, that it is because of people like me that the majority has to suffer and that how much longer was I willing to tolerate this unnecessary and uncalled for appeasement.
Now I didn't quite like that. I agree I am most active of political beings within myself. And if you are looking to give someone the ‘best citizen’ award I will not be on your list of nominations. You can also safely discount almost all I say about politics and politicians as clichéd yuppie responses. My knowledge about the Indian politics is deep and different and my inclination to changing this in near future is negligible.
But still this so called ‘Pilibhit brand of reasoning’ annoys me immensely. What is further infuriating is when people judge me for not sharing their prejudices. I mean, why should I share your prejudices when I have a truck load of my own! My friend said the C word (Congressi) as if it were a bad thing to be; as if Congress was the genesis of all things bad happening to this country. I don’t buy that. For the record I am not a Congressi. I am not a clan obssessed follower of the party as most Congressis are made out to be. Nor am I enamoured with the Gandhi mystique. My appreciation of any political party is very limited. I am the person who in all political discussions comes out with the cliched "Chor hain sab" response and dismisses all politicians with a wave of hand. But yes, I do respect Sonia Gandhi for her grit, her ethical, standards and her resolve.
Generations of my family might probably swear by Congress party but I have not inherited their political enthusiasm. My views on politics reflect the same lackadaisical ambivalence that is characteristic of all my other views. But still if push comes to shove my leaning would be towards Congress than parties who favor communal polarization. What took a gentleman 16 years and Rs. 9 crores to prove was something I was already aware of. I had in fact visited Ayodhya many years back and had seen the make shift temple that exists there. I had then been proudly shown the preparations that were being undertaken for making the new temple. Even I was few who predicted that “Loan waiver” and NREG scheme will favor Congress, no matter what happens in country!!!
But S. said his stuff with a lot of vehemence and a lot less sense. He gave me the usual - "toh tum kya Itlay jaa kar PM ban sakte ho??? Hum log bahut tolerant hain." Now I need to be careful to discuss politics with friends especially friends who don't share my political views. But if in a discussion, I would rather people stick with facts and rationality than mere rhetoric and unexplained bias.
But this isn’t the troublesome part. The issue troubling me since last night is that I did not have a befitting reply ready. All the things I wrote just now well I didn’t say any of that. I just let the other person speak his mind, made some feeble excuse and hung up. Somehow arguing then didn’t make much sense and escalating this discussion seemed a tad foolish. And this is troubling me. I wish I could go back and argue my facts. I cant now. Hence, this post. :)
Before you start wondering what is wrong and go through the entire drill of - "Is he okay? Do I call and check? How much does an STD cell to Sweden cost? Maybe an sms is the right thing to do. No wait sms is Rs. 6 per international sms. Maybe I will just ping him next time I see him on Gtalk?" - I will just tell you what the matter is. Succinctly.
A friend of mine accused me yesterday of being a Congressi and a hypocrite. ‘You all are such HYPOcrites!’, he said. He stressed on the ‘hypo’ part for a little longer than necessary. Among the heated words exchanged which are now acknowledged as ‘deeply regretted’ were sprinklings of accusations that I have heard quite often –that I am apathetic, that it is because of people like me that the majority has to suffer and that how much longer was I willing to tolerate this unnecessary and uncalled for appeasement.
Now I didn't quite like that. I agree I am most active of political beings within myself. And if you are looking to give someone the ‘best citizen’ award I will not be on your list of nominations. You can also safely discount almost all I say about politics and politicians as clichéd yuppie responses. My knowledge about the Indian politics is deep and different and my inclination to changing this in near future is negligible.
But still this so called ‘Pilibhit brand of reasoning’ annoys me immensely. What is further infuriating is when people judge me for not sharing their prejudices. I mean, why should I share your prejudices when I have a truck load of my own! My friend said the C word (Congressi) as if it were a bad thing to be; as if Congress was the genesis of all things bad happening to this country. I don’t buy that. For the record I am not a Congressi. I am not a clan obssessed follower of the party as most Congressis are made out to be. Nor am I enamoured with the Gandhi mystique. My appreciation of any political party is very limited. I am the person who in all political discussions comes out with the cliched "Chor hain sab" response and dismisses all politicians with a wave of hand. But yes, I do respect Sonia Gandhi for her grit, her ethical, standards and her resolve.
Generations of my family might probably swear by Congress party but I have not inherited their political enthusiasm. My views on politics reflect the same lackadaisical ambivalence that is characteristic of all my other views. But still if push comes to shove my leaning would be towards Congress than parties who favor communal polarization. What took a gentleman 16 years and Rs. 9 crores to prove was something I was already aware of. I had in fact visited Ayodhya many years back and had seen the make shift temple that exists there. I had then been proudly shown the preparations that were being undertaken for making the new temple. Even I was few who predicted that “Loan waiver” and NREG scheme will favor Congress, no matter what happens in country!!!
But S. said his stuff with a lot of vehemence and a lot less sense. He gave me the usual - "toh tum kya Itlay jaa kar PM ban sakte ho??? Hum log bahut tolerant hain." Now I need to be careful to discuss politics with friends especially friends who don't share my political views. But if in a discussion, I would rather people stick with facts and rationality than mere rhetoric and unexplained bias.
But this isn’t the troublesome part. The issue troubling me since last night is that I did not have a befitting reply ready. All the things I wrote just now well I didn’t say any of that. I just let the other person speak his mind, made some feeble excuse and hung up. Somehow arguing then didn’t make much sense and escalating this discussion seemed a tad foolish. And this is troubling me. I wish I could go back and argue my facts. I cant now. Hence, this post. :)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Have I Ever
This is my version of the new movement the Whackster seems to have started
Have I Ever…
• Had a rifle pointed at my head by a cop?
• Been told by my school teacher to never show my face in the class again?
• Passed a joint to my uncle?
• Gotten high on nothing but life?
• Lit a bonfire in the middle of my school classroom?
• Saved somebody’s life?
• Had a gay person hit on me?
• Peed on my friend’s car tyres (Hehehe)
• Fallen in love with the wrong person?
• Pretended to act all mean and distant from my (ex) girlfriend, so that she would break up with me?
• Fallen asleep while driving and woken up to find out I have gone about 10-15 metres without hitting anything (Damn i got the shock of my life)
• Chopped off my own toe nail with an axe? (I was only 5 and it wasn’t on purpose)
• Walked into a glass door at Crescat and split my eyebrow (in front of many people)
• Had somebody compare me to John Lennon? (YESSSS although I still cant believe it)
• Fallen asleep in the theatre?
• Met up with friends to study for an exam which was 6 days away and ended up going on a road trip, in the middle of the night, just so they could smoke a cigarette on the beach?
Wow, when I wrote this, I realized how much fun I have had. I had forgotten some of the things until I really put my mind to think about it. Even the bad times feel good, because they are over now. I got to have more of these good times. Thanks Whackster I owe you one for making me remember
Have I Ever…
• Had a rifle pointed at my head by a cop?
• Been told by my school teacher to never show my face in the class again?
• Passed a joint to my uncle?
• Gotten high on nothing but life?
• Lit a bonfire in the middle of my school classroom?
• Saved somebody’s life?
• Had a gay person hit on me?
• Peed on my friend’s car tyres (Hehehe)
• Fallen in love with the wrong person?
• Pretended to act all mean and distant from my (ex) girlfriend, so that she would break up with me?
• Fallen asleep while driving and woken up to find out I have gone about 10-15 metres without hitting anything (Damn i got the shock of my life)
• Chopped off my own toe nail with an axe? (I was only 5 and it wasn’t on purpose)
• Walked into a glass door at Crescat and split my eyebrow (in front of many people)
• Had somebody compare me to John Lennon? (YESSSS although I still cant believe it)
• Fallen asleep in the theatre?
• Met up with friends to study for an exam which was 6 days away and ended up going on a road trip, in the middle of the night, just so they could smoke a cigarette on the beach?
Wow, when I wrote this, I realized how much fun I have had. I had forgotten some of the things until I really put my mind to think about it. Even the bad times feel good, because they are over now. I got to have more of these good times. Thanks Whackster I owe you one for making me remember
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Bitter Remorse
It’s that feeling deep inside, when you are faced with facts. You try to close your eyes but you can’t erase the past. Everything is in your face and you just need to breathe. You are feeling numb as they mouth the words you wish you never heard. You look back at what you did, at the vague memory of your mistakes. You try to think hard about what exactly happened so you can find the loophole to pull yourself through, but memories are vague and you just can’t find escape. They say the words and you realize you can’t deny. You have to accept but your mind is frustrated in fighting. You want to give up but you came too far to turn back. You feel it well up inside, the tears forming in your eyes, but you don’t want to give in. they can see that you are crumbling but you try to hide, failing miserably.
This feeling of guilt is taking me apart piece by piece. Why did I not look before I leapt? Now I have to pay the price for the games I played. There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach, and a void where my heart used to be. My impulsive lies have left a bitter taste in my mouth that cannot be washed away. The taste of guilt is awful. But I have to pay for my mistakes. How can I face them again, when I can’t even face myself? I couldn’t bear to look at the face in the mirror. Red eyes, guilt and despondency were all that looked back at me. The usual air of confidence was nowhere to be found. I felt like all the air was sucked out of me. At least on the bright side it was a lesson well-learnt the hard way.
This feeling of guilt is taking me apart piece by piece. Why did I not look before I leapt? Now I have to pay the price for the games I played. There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach, and a void where my heart used to be. My impulsive lies have left a bitter taste in my mouth that cannot be washed away. The taste of guilt is awful. But I have to pay for my mistakes. How can I face them again, when I can’t even face myself? I couldn’t bear to look at the face in the mirror. Red eyes, guilt and despondency were all that looked back at me. The usual air of confidence was nowhere to be found. I felt like all the air was sucked out of me. At least on the bright side it was a lesson well-learnt the hard way.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
100 things I want to do before I die
Yeah, I’ve finally decided to make the list official!! :]
1. Complete this list by adding up to 100 things on it.
2. Go back packing across the world and visit every possible city (Completed around- 28 in Europe)
3. Learn a new language and make sure I use it. (Hopefully Swedish)
4. Swim with a dolphin
5. Go skinny dipping
6. Go bungee jumping (DONE)
7. Try climbing Mount Everest (Atleast conquer a bit of it)
8. Build my own Eco-friendly home
9. MARRY
10. Send a message in a bottle
11. Ride a camel (DONE)
12. Plant trees (DONE)
13. Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home.(MISSED this chance by 2 hours)
14. Dance and sing in the rain like there’s no tomorrow
15. Sing a song alone in front of an audience
16. Write my will
17. Work at Greenpeace or WWF
18. Grow a garden and make a meal out of those veggies and fruits.
19. Go in a hot air balloon
20. Have a one night stand with someone who I will never meet again.(UMM.....)
21. Kiss someone who I just met on a blind date (DONE)
22. Fart in a crowded place
23. Give to charity anonymously
24. Create my own website.
25. Create my family tree
26. Run in a marathon
27. Go skydiving
28. Take a ride on a fighter jet
29. Visit the Titanic on a submarine
30. Climb a great pyramid in Egypt
31. Walk the entire path of the Great Wall
32. Take an African Safari
33. Watch the sunset over the Ayers Rock
34. Walk the Inca trail - Peru
35. Explore Antarctica
36. Ride a Harley Davidson on an open road
37. Gallop a horse on the beach
38. Go on a roller coaster (DONE)
39. Stand on the rim of a volcano
40. Be in two countries at once
41. Make love on the beach/forest floor
42. See the seven wonders of the world (TWO completed)
43. Volunteer anywhere, anyhow (DONE)
44. Have a Latin Lover
45. Swim in the dead sea
46. Write a book and sell at least one copy
47. Go on a ship at night (DONE)
48. Sponsor a needy child
49. Study Abroad (DONE)
50. Watch the Northern Lights (DONE)
51. Look into my child’s eyes and see myself in them.
52. Have at least 5 piercings
53. Have my portrait painted
54. Go to Disney World
55. Visit a chocolate factory
56. See the ruins of Pompeii and feel the emotions that they might have felt.
57. Write a letter about myself to my future grand children.
58. Kiss in the rain
59. Hug a Koala Bear
60. Fly BUSSINESS class (DONE 2 times)
61. Get a tattoo
62. Go on a glass-bottomed boat
63. Catch a snowflake on your tongue
64. Hold hands with a monkey (DONE)
65. Have a rooftop picnic
66. Slow dance by candle light (DONE)
67. Go in a horse drawn carriage
68. Have a barbie collection
69. Bury a time capsule
70. Flirt shamelessly
71. Go to the movies by myself
72. Find a four leaved clover
73. Be an organ donour
74. Own a hybrid car
75. Dance like no one is watching (Completed at numerous occasions)
76. Write the story of my life
77. Write "Editorial" in leading English Newpaper!!!
78. Build a tree-house and use it as my escape route.
79. Give a homeless person my lunch (Completed at few occasions)
80. Help out at a soup kitchen
81. Pretend to be invisible
82. Test drive a Lamborghini diablo
83. Steam up a car
84. Get a Nature Publication
84. Propose my school days lover :)
1. Complete this list by adding up to 100 things on it.
2. Go back packing across the world and visit every possible city (Completed around- 28 in Europe)
3. Learn a new language and make sure I use it. (Hopefully Swedish)
4. Swim with a dolphin
5. Go skinny dipping
6. Go bungee jumping (DONE)
7. Try climbing Mount Everest (Atleast conquer a bit of it)
8. Build my own Eco-friendly home
9. MARRY
10. Send a message in a bottle
11. Ride a camel (DONE)
12. Plant trees (DONE)
13. Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home.(MISSED this chance by 2 hours)
14. Dance and sing in the rain like there’s no tomorrow
15. Sing a song alone in front of an audience
16. Write my will
17. Work at Greenpeace or WWF
18. Grow a garden and make a meal out of those veggies and fruits.
19. Go in a hot air balloon
20. Have a one night stand with someone who I will never meet again.(UMM.....)
21. Kiss someone who I just met on a blind date (DONE)
22. Fart in a crowded place
23. Give to charity anonymously
24. Create my own website.
25. Create my family tree
26. Run in a marathon
27. Go skydiving
28. Take a ride on a fighter jet
29. Visit the Titanic on a submarine
30. Climb a great pyramid in Egypt
31. Walk the entire path of the Great Wall
32. Take an African Safari
33. Watch the sunset over the Ayers Rock
34. Walk the Inca trail - Peru
35. Explore Antarctica
36. Ride a Harley Davidson on an open road
37. Gallop a horse on the beach
38. Go on a roller coaster (DONE)
39. Stand on the rim of a volcano
40. Be in two countries at once
41. Make love on the beach/forest floor
42. See the seven wonders of the world (TWO completed)
43. Volunteer anywhere, anyhow (DONE)
44. Have a Latin Lover
45. Swim in the dead sea
46. Write a book and sell at least one copy
47. Go on a ship at night (DONE)
48. Sponsor a needy child
49. Study Abroad (DONE)
50. Watch the Northern Lights (DONE)
51. Look into my child’s eyes and see myself in them.
52. Have at least 5 piercings
53. Have my portrait painted
54. Go to Disney World
55. Visit a chocolate factory
56. See the ruins of Pompeii and feel the emotions that they might have felt.
57. Write a letter about myself to my future grand children.
58. Kiss in the rain
59. Hug a Koala Bear
60. Fly BUSSINESS class (DONE 2 times)
61. Get a tattoo
62. Go on a glass-bottomed boat
63. Catch a snowflake on your tongue
64. Hold hands with a monkey (DONE)
65. Have a rooftop picnic
66. Slow dance by candle light (DONE)
67. Go in a horse drawn carriage
68. Have a barbie collection
69. Bury a time capsule
70. Flirt shamelessly
71. Go to the movies by myself
72. Find a four leaved clover
73. Be an organ donour
74. Own a hybrid car
75. Dance like no one is watching (Completed at numerous occasions)
76. Write the story of my life
77. Write "Editorial" in leading English Newpaper!!!
78. Build a tree-house and use it as my escape route.
79. Give a homeless person my lunch (Completed at few occasions)
80. Help out at a soup kitchen
81. Pretend to be invisible
82. Test drive a Lamborghini diablo
83. Steam up a car
84. Get a Nature Publication
84. Propose my school days lover :)
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Here I am !!
A long sabbatical it sure has been!!
and anyway, I have always been spontaneous, to the extent of being too impulsive and irregular....
its always, as and when and what i feel like doing.....i hate compulsions!
but I realized that I aint Edison or Newton or Vivekananda who let their greatness ooze out spontaneously, now.
I guess a little rigour would do no harm, and impulsiveness can be curtailed also
so, a new post.....and dedicated to the 'Wanderer, who wandered onto my site and put in a encouraging post.........
wanderer, i cant get rid of these dots .....its just that i write as i think, and its my way of showing the conjunction between the two.....i hope i will come up with something different sometime, but till then, it continues!
see you latter!!!!
and anyway, I have always been spontaneous, to the extent of being too impulsive and irregular....
its always, as and when and what i feel like doing.....i hate compulsions!
but I realized that I aint Edison or Newton or Vivekananda who let their greatness ooze out spontaneously, now.
I guess a little rigour would do no harm, and impulsiveness can be curtailed also
so, a new post.....and dedicated to the 'Wanderer, who wandered onto my site and put in a encouraging post.........
wanderer, i cant get rid of these dots .....its just that i write as i think, and its my way of showing the conjunction between the two.....i hope i will come up with something different sometime, but till then, it continues!
see you latter!!!!
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